WIPEOUT

Man I wish I would have thought of a way to make money off the desperate idiotic behavior of mankind, but WIPEOUT got to it first. Thankfully they do a great job. If you ever need a dose of gut wrenching laughter at the expense of others, just watch this show. It’s hilarious. And you get to enjoy one of my favorite pastimes, feeling superior to others. It’s so enjoyable to watch idiots hurt themselves just for 15 seconds of fame and the slim chance they might win some cash.

HALLOWEEN

YELLOW CARD This seems like a pretty obvious one, but I thought it timely. I have no problem with dressing sexy when you are out on the bars, you can catch me in some pretty tight jeans or a low-cut top on occasion but seriously, what are some of these girls thinking on Halloween? If a costume’s theme actually calls for it, then by all means let it hang out. But when did being a pilot, or firefighter or even a Disney character mean you should wear less than a yard of fabric? If you want to “show some skin” be cat, or playboy bunny, or whatever – but the mini outfits drive me crazy. It looks like your outfit was left in the dryer too long. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I don’t appreciate seeing girls parading around in my childhood memories in such a way.

PLASTIC VS CABS

YELLOW CARD Why bother adding the convenient credit card machines in taxi cabs if I’m just going to get harassed every time I want to use it? I swear, when you arrive at your destination and you pull out a credit card, the cab drivers act like you are giving them a hunk of coal. One time, the cab driver took all the cash I had instead of my credit card for a fare out to Logan; he took $16 for a $37 fare! I’m sure there is some “book-keeping” or “mileage tracking” process that is more difficult if too many fares pay with credit cards, but I’m sorry the customer is always right. And when I use plastic I’m more inclined to hit the 20% to 30% tip amount. So just shut-up, my debit card is as good as cash.

BOLT BUS

YELLOW CARD Public transportation, in all its forms is frankly just a horrible experience. It’s a necessary evil though because we need to get from here to there for professional and personal reasons. My love of seeing new places and the fact that my close friends and family are spread around the country are the only reasons I would ever subject myself to being corralled like a sheep to a cramped, dirty seat, surrounded by the huddled masses. Companies are installing new features to help us cope with this disgusting experience, but of course like every other innovation it causes just as many problems as it does solutions. I recently took the BOLT BUS from Boston to NYC. I was very excited that they had WI-FI on the bus, power outlets, extra leg room, and boarding similar to Southwest. Well, by the end of trip I felt like on was on a 4 hour ride in purgatory. BOLT BUS failed to mention that power outlets are only available on a select few seats; that the WI-FI was practically useless, since it took my iPad 10 minutes to load a single page; and the “extra” leg room only provided a comfortable amount of legroom if you are below average height. I feel naive for having such high hopes for the bus service to prior my experience. Honestly it’s better for companies not to provide all these upgrades if they can’t ensure the features will work. As I usually do when I’m forced to take public transportation, I just ended up using the time to take a nap.

IPASS

RED CARD It is called an IPASS (EZPASS on the east coast) for a reason; the IPASS enables you to "PASS" through the toll booth. DO NOT make a complete stop in the IPASS lane. If you do, you are not only proving to the world how stupid you are but you are putting the rest of us in serious danger. Digital toll booth sensors allow a nice traffic flow through designated IPASS lanes. If you are insistent at coming to a complete stop, please for goodness sake, go to the cash lanes. And if you are one of the archaic, big-brother fearing weirdoes who still use cash, please have your coins ready. So to reiterate, if you stop in an IPASS (pass being the keyword) I, and every other competent IPASS user, should have the right to run into you and banish you from the IPASS lane all together. Technologic advances are meant to increase the efficiency of society, but unfortunately since there are so many morons on this planet, sometimes technologic advances only create more ways for the morons to annoy me.

TEXTING & WALKING

RED CARD I hate people who text while they walk. This video cracks me up; she is actually thinking of suing the city for falling into a manhole because she was too busy texting to look where she was going?? Sounds like she got what she deserved to me. I hate when I’m walking down a city street and I end up behind some idiot who is walking super slow, meandering along because he is concentrating on composing a text rather than walking, straight ahead at a reasonable pace. When I’m stuck behind one of these idiots, I am forced to do the oh-so-subtle passive aggressive slight nudge, evil eye pass-by. The sidewalks are like a minefield of morons, walking on the sidewalk is like driving, there needs to be a law book or guidelines for these idiots to follow. I wish there were more stories like this one, so that people can learn the perils of walking and texting. Well, I guess I’m not wishing for more people to get hurt but I certainly want them to get out of my way!

SELF CHECKOUT

YELLOW CARD I've just returned from the grocery store and the experience has reaffirmed my belief that there are just way too many idiots on this planet. I’m a single, urban female and therefore don’t buy that much each time I go the grocery. So, I frequently use the self checkout lane. However, it is never a simple, speedy process. When I first arrive at the checkout with my three or four items, I have to channel my psychic powers and try to predict which one of the people in front of me are the least moronic. The majority of the people waiting at self checkout simply should not be there. A person whose purchase is mostly produce, should not be there. A person who doesn’t understand what a barcode is and how to scan one, should not be there. A person who can’t quickly bag their own items, should not be there. A person who doesn’t have their rewards card and method of payment out and ready to go, should not be there. A person who has a lot of roaming children they have to keep corralled, should not be there. A person with more than ten items, should not be there. And so on. It’s not surprising to me that I am not the only one to have this problem; there are countless videos on YouTube about this. I love these videos like this one that are actually a “how-to” video; if you need instructions on how to use a self checkout lane, you definitely should not be waiting in that line.

BOTTLE CAPS

YELLOW CARD I know this seems like old news, but it still drive me crazy to this day; I miss the old diet coke caps. I understand that it saves plastic to make these stupid shorty caps, but do they have to be so impossible to screw back on? And we all know that companies love this green initiative because reducing plastic also reduces costs, but anyway. As an avid diet coke drinker (my fellow addicts I'm sure understand), I thoroughly enjoy the fabulous 20oz bottle. But the darn cap never goes on the first try! Its takes two steady hands and concentration to get these little caps on. How ridiculous. I miss the old, white, tall caps that instantly landed on the twist guide and swirled close with ease. Sometimes “innovation” isn’t actually an improvement.

THE I"PHONE" 2

RED CARD I just cannot say it enough, I HATE THE IPHONE! (But I love the iPhone). I am currently in a long distance relationship and I can honestly admit that the iPhone has had a serious detrimental effect on my relationship! I depend on my phone to speak with my boyfriend and when the phone doesn't work, my relationship doesn't work. I can’t even count how many times, I’ve missed something he has said, or mistaken it for something else, etc. And all this backtracking prevents our conversations from progressing beyond, “What did you say?” And ultimately our relationship doesn’t progress. And unfortunately neither of has any patience, so we get frustrated. And we all know that when members of a relationship are frustrated and at their wits end, fighting ensues. UGH!! I swear I think Apple and AT&T, or whoever is responsible for the crappy reception, should be held accountable for the emotional distress they cause.

APPLECARE "PACKAGING"

YELLOW CARD AppleCare "packaging" really annoys me; well actually I find it kind of funny. Is it Apple’s way of saying that customers need to feel they are getting something tangible when they buy the protection? But don't the true Apple nerds understand paperless packaging in the digital, green world? So maybe Apple is trying to appease the late adopters who can't fathom paying $200 for something they can’t see. Either way, I find it very annoying that when I bought my iPad with AppleCare I had to take this box home (in the photo). I kid you not, the only thing in the box was this tiny pamphlet, which contents can be found online on the Apple homepage. So do I really need this tiny box for a little pamphlet?

ADDICTED TO APPLE

I admit, I too have drank the Apple Kool-aid. I love this video, there is so much truth to it. Please be aware THIS VIDEO CONTAINS PROFANITY.

RECEIPTS

YELLOW CARD Why, I ask, do I need 3 feet of receipt paper for the single toilet plunger I bought at the Home Depot? Or why does CVS need to tell me my entire "trip summary", Extra Care card balance, Extra Buck offers, flu shots clinics, and coupons on every single receipt??? I kid you not, I bought two items and my receipt was 17.5 inches long!!! Just look at the photo, that is a standard pen, how ridiculous! Haven't these places heard that we are in the middle of a Green initiative? Miles of paper for a receipt? Hello? Trees??!!

All of these stores need to take a cue from Apple Retail locations. A one-on-one customer experience with a salesperson that has a hand held POS system / receipt generator. No waiting in line. There's a novel idea. Everyone loves lines right??? After your transaction, the associate asks you if you would like your receipt emailed, printed out or both. Email please, so I can file it when I need to, where I need to, at home or at my office. Lovely. Might I suggest next time you are given one of those War and Peace receipts try a new approach. Simply, tear the receipt just below your items and the bar code (in case you need to return it) and hand the remainder back to the sales person.

THE I"PHONE"

RED CARD The iPhone is not a phone. A phone is a device with the capabilities to speak to someone and hear their voice in return. The concept of the cellular phone has been around for years and ironically the ability to actually speak on the phone has only gotten worse. It’s not like I live in the sticks, I live in a large metropolitan area which you would think would be the type of place that AT&T would want to ensure their service is working. But no. When I call my friends back in Chicago from here in Boston, it’s an exercise in patience to try and have a conversation. Every other word is, “What did you say?” Don’t get me wrong I love the iPhone, but it is not a phone.

DRIVING

RED CARD If you are at a green turn arrow and are not moving, I think I should have the right to hit you and you should be the one who receives that traffic violation. Sometimes I wish the roads were more like bumper cars and we could just push people out of our way. Bump out the people who sit at green lights, or don’t pull out into the intersection when they are turning left or who drive slow in the left lane. UGH! Or maybe there should be a citizen’s arrest system for such idiotic behavior or maybe I’ll install a digital sign on the side of my car. It could be like one of those stock price tickers and I could make it read, “Move out of the fast lane!” or whatever else I need to tell the morons on the road. Driving, next to plane travel, I can’t think of anything worse. It’s a necessary part of life that unfortunately is full of idiots.

FACEBOOK ETIQUETTE 3

YELLOW CARD Horoscopes really? Tarot cards? Why do people think that we want to know what their horoscopes or tarot card readings say (as seen in the images from my iPhone)? And who even reads that type of thing anymore let alone share that they read such nonsense on Facebook. I’ve managed to block Farmville and other games from my news feed but now I have to block horoscopes and tarot readings. Why is it my responsibility to take my time and go through and block all these useless Apps from cluttering my homepage? And another thing, you shouldn't be posting so often that your posts are showing up consecutively in my news feed. I got 3 tarot readings in a row from one person and then saw another one of my "friends" post 12 YouTube videos in a row. Annoying. What is the appeal of all these games, applications, etc? Isn't Facebook supposed to be just a form of communication and engagement, not this silliness? Don't clutter Facebook with games and second-life type nonsense, please.

HEADPHONES

RED CARD So I have a bit of a dilemma here, I love music and I love listening to it on the train, while I walk, while I study, while on a plane, while I work in the computer lab (as seen in the photo I took this weekend), etc., but what I HATE is when I can hear someone else’s music when I’m not listening to any. I can’t stand it when I'm sitting in the library or on the train and all I hear is the bass and treble of a song blaring out of someone else’s headphones. And the worst is when someone is wearing Apple’s ear buds, those things are practically useless. They blare as much sound to the general public as they to do the person using them. So what’s the answer? I feel like a hypocrite because I think music is one of the best parts of life, but the truth is being annoyed is one of the worst parts. Ugh. Especially with these hipsters who think that every day is a scene from some elitist independent film with their outfits and “indie” music. Not to mention these are the same individuals who text a mile a minute "clicking and clicking" away right next to me. Like I always say, there are just too many people put on this earth just to be annoying. Do they not realize who they are? Are they just disregarding those around them? Regardless, just turn it down.

FACEBOOK ETIQUETTE 2

YELLOW CARD And another thing, do we need to know how much you love your husband or sister or cousin or whatever. I'm assuming that if you've changed your relationship status to "married" and linked it to your husband's name and you constantly post pictures of the two of you together and your kids if you have them, that you do in fact love your husband. Do these kind of posts really go viral? Is there some sort of love brigade on Facebook I don't know about? Does your husband read this and think it's cute? Do your friends read it and think it's romantic? What if he is your best friend but is lazy and doesn't work hard? Has Hallmark secretly infiltrated Facebook and forced us to make up these ridiculous holidays? Are they going to start marketing Hallmark posts that you can buy and post to show your true love on Facebook? Hmmm, maybe I'm on to something here....

FACEBOOK ETIQUETTE

YELLOW CARD Why do people and especially bands feel the need to write entire essays in their posts? When I look at Facebook on my iPhone, I like to be able to scroll through my friends' posts and see what's going on in the world, but when you scroll over a post such as this one, it is so long it takes up the entire screen. I'm sorry, but if your post takes up an entire screen, do you really think someone is going to read the whole thing? I totally support local music and fun cover bands, but come on. I can tell you right now, when I am continually "spammed" by these ridiculously long posts, I'm tempted to just delete them as a friend entirely. I understand that you want to get the word out about your next show and you want to set yourself apart from all the other bands, but honestly, there has to be a better way. It's a post, it's supposed to be "What's on your mind?" Didn't bands learn their lesson with MySpace? People don't want clutter on their social websites, keep it simple.

TELEVISION PROGRAMMING

RED CARD Sometimes I just get so frustrated by the decisions of the "powers that be." Why is it that we have that stupid show about the Kardashians or dancing or hurting yourself or losing weight or breaking up or falling in love but we can't keep snows on the air like Arrested Development and Flash Forward? I mean, it's not all bad, I do love 30 Rock, Modern Family and I will always honor Seinfeld. I'm hoping it's no surprise (well unless you are an idiot) that as THE REF, I enjoy shows that intelligently mock idiotic behavior. But sadly, today there are just so many bad shows on the air, I can't even keep track. Thank goodness the cable networks are picking up some of the slack, honestly who doesn't love Weeds and Dexter? And don't even get me started on Six Feet Under, that was truly a great show. Oh how I miss it.

I get it; some people just want to turn off their brain function when they watch TV. But I will continue to wait for another show that gives us such hilarious characters as the Bluths. I'm hopeful that they attempted it with Running Wilde but it doesn't seem to be delivering. So I guess what I'm saying is the state of TV programming gets a big red flag. No show has made me laugh as hard as GOB and Tobias (analrapist). Or how funny was the Cornballer, the guest appearances by Liza and the Fonz, and being “never nude?” Man, that show was hilarious! Ironically, it never even had a chance to “jump the shark.” So please if there are any shows out there that are worth my attention and engage my intelligence, let me know!

BAGGAGE CLAIM

YELLOW CARD Plane travel is a true test of one's patience. For example, why is it that no matter how much space there is available at the baggage claim belt, the idiots have to flock to the spot right next to you? And then after they have crowded your personal space (this is your dance space, this is my dance space ) do they have to slowly ease their way in front of you as if you aren't waiting for a bag as well? Then you are forced to do the oh-so-subtle, passive aggressive scoot-forward and huff dance to regain your dominance. These idiots are most definitely always the ones who are actually surprised that their luggage isn't there already. I'm the first to admit that I have no patience, but honestly, does complaining about it make your luggage get there any faster? At this point in my traveling I'm usually about to burst, because I've sat through an entire plane ride with sniffling, coughing, snoring, chewing, crying, masses just to hear the same voices standing in front of me at baggage claim still annoying me. Ugh. So if you are reading this and you know exactly what I am talking about, vent your frustrations here! This site is for you! And if you are one of those idiots, please for the rest of our sakes, stop it!